There are only about three weeks left of summer and I’m relieved. I’ve enjoyed it – been places, done things, spent time with nice people – but it’s also been exhausting. I feel like I am always packing a bag or unpacking a bag. Jax tells me “you’re always tired” which annoys me and makes me protest, “that’s not true!” even as I know that it most definitely IS true – I just thought I did a better job hiding it. Getting into fresh cool sheets knowing I can get 9 or 10 hours of sleep is one of my favorite things. But this summer tiredness is different. It feels like I’m struggling just to keep up with myself.
I feel like I’m never home. I know I’ve had plenty of nights in pajamas on my couch with Emmett and Netflix. But they’re difficult to remember, and it also seems like I’ve had a lot of nights in some other place. It seemed to start with Japan, then a beach house bed or a hotel room in Frankenmuth hearing children hopped-up on Bavarian style buttered noodles and live accordion in the halls. Or Jax’s house with Izzy the Dog snoring under the covers at my feet.
The summer road construction has been even more hellish than usual, with major thoroughfares closed down to give construction workers time to do repairs before the Michigan Permafrost sets in again. I’ve spent hours in traffic with books on CD (our paralegal gave me a bag of borrowed audio books; it’s fun to listen to things that aren’t really my normal taste. David Baldacci and Jonathon Kellerman. Now I can be a Washington DC spy and an LA detective during my commutes) and Audible, the flat glare of the sun in my eyes, dreaming of my cool quiet dim house.
My hair hasn’t been properly cut except for a spontaneous trim at Great Clips three months ago and it feels dry and crunchy with sun and the straightener.
Although I’m excited about my promotion, I’m in one of my biorhythmic down cycles at work and struggling to maintain energy and motivation.
I’ve burned my vacation days and my bank account is wheezing from a new car, various trips here and there, and Miss L’s activities and school clothes and birthday (upcoming).
When I wake up in the morning, I can barely be bothered to put my contacts in and try to look decent.
I feel guilty for even SEEMING to complain about having great adventures, and going places, creating memories, spending time with amazing people who treat my daughter and I like longlost family. I honestly do feel so humbled and gratified that I have stumbled across such a number of kindred spirits, and I wish I didn’t feel like a fizzling battery sometimes. I read an article, however, that sort of justified my feelings and made me feel a little consoled about my weirdness – it appears I am suffering from an “Introvert Hangover”.
So go figure!
I am finally home for a bit now and looking forward to self care and closing ranks – getting organized, recharging, and taking care of my neglected home and yard (I have heirloom tomatoes!!) Now I can think about is how lovely it will be to open the windows to birdsong (once SE Michigan’s crippling heat wave dissipates) and then go back to bed for a few hours. I’m not sure why I think that’s going to happen in the fall, but everything good happens in the fall, so I am holding that image in my head, of sweater weather and fall colors and naps and good things to eat and the knowledge that the weather is deepening and darkening and pushing me towards a season of hibernation.Which, apparently, I need!
Be well dear readers and friends. xo