easter weekend

3.2016_easter eggs

It took a solid 36 miserable hours on antibiotics before I began to feel marginally human again. For the record, I still have some discomfort whilst swallowing, so this strep was no joke.

Yet Miss L & I soldiered on and salvaged some of our weekend. On Good Friday, we typically bake something, and plant some seeds, and do a bit of early spring clean up. Yeah, none of that happened. But on Saturday, we did our annual pilgrimage to Kensington to see the new babies at the farm, and have a bit of a ramble on the nature trails.

3.2016_easter lambs

3.2016_easter heron nests

There is a little island in the middle of a lake where the Great Blue Herons have their nests. It’s pretty amazing, even at a distance, to watch them come and go; I always wish I’d remembered to bring binoculars.

And then on Easter Sunday – despite feeling drained and wan with fatigue – I went to church. YES I WENT TO CHURCH.


I am not a religious person in any way, shape or form. Under generous circumstances, I might be termed spiritual, but I can’t put a definition to what I believe. I just know I believe it, if it makes any sense. I tend to be a bit suspicious of organized religion in any form, although some aspects of it appeal to me – the traditions, the old-fashioned aspects of storytelling and mysticism, old hymns, whatnot. I haven’t been to church in over twenty years, but when Jax invited me to Easter service at his church, I decided to say yes. I didn’t even know what religion he is, but I was touched that he would want to include me in that part of his life, and it’s clearly important to him.

I was envisioning ponderous but lovely Latin hymns and a measured sermon in an old brick chapel covered with ivy, sunlight streaming in through jeweled stained-glass windows. I thought a dress would be most appropriate, but all I have are tailored black and grey numbers for work, or summer dresses. So I threw my capsule closet rules to the wind and went out and bought a navy blue and white number with a slightly full skirt, to be worn under my navy cardigan with my navy blue platform heels. It felt very Junior League but my impressions of Easter services involve pastels and white gloves and big hats and matching purses, and this was as close of an approximation as I could muster with limited time. (Yes, I will be getting rid of the requisite 2 items from my closet to make up for this.)

Jax looked very handsome in dress pants and a tasteful Brooks Brothers shirt and I was slightly agog with anticipation. When we walked into his church, however, it became clear that my expectations were completely off-base. It was essentially an auditorium, darkened but with flashing lights up at the front and a LIVE ROCK BAND. There was a drummer behind a glass window and three singers gyrating and singing a pop song into microphones. There were guitars and video screens showing lyrics and women wearing skinny jeans in the pews holding their hands up and dancing and singing along. It was all quite astounding and I felt ridiculously fanciful in my Junior League outfit.

It was an utterly mind-blowing experience. I tried to hum along and look interested and attentive, although on the inside I was slack-jawed with shock and horror.  And then when the singing was over I tried to relax and enjoy the sermon, which was about hope in the face of suffering. Then there was some mention of Satan, and I felt my cheerful optimism begin to fade again. And then the pastor said that when it comes to Jesus, you either completely reject him or you fall on your face worshipping him as your savior. Too many people, he said, take the middle road; they might not totally believe, but they’re okay with Jesus, they can take him or leave him. MAYBE EVEN SOME PEOPLE IN THIS CHURCH TODAY, he said, and I felt the cold sweat that had broken out all over me during the singing begin to prickle again. I know my eyes were the size of teacups. Am I so wrong? NO, I don’t 100% believe. I have doubts. I like the basic messages and feel that they are beautiful stories, but am greatly troubled by the forms that organized religion of all forms can take. I would be interested in the Bible from a historic perspective, and I could probably really get absorbed in the Gospel of Thomas. More than that, though – well, I just I can’t attend a church that forces me to attest to believing in things that I don’t totally know if I believe – and that’s what’s kept me away for twenty years. I have no beef with Jesus. But, in the words of a pretty awesome Criminal podcast that I listened to, when asked why he selected a Buddha statue over a Jesus statue for a specific purpose that you will learn about in the podcast, if you choose to listen, the subject of the podcast said, “(Buddha), he’s neutral. I mean, if we threw Christ up there, he’s controversial. Everyone’s got a deal about him. But Buddha – nobody seems to be that perturbed in general about a Buddha.”

Of course, I didn’t tell Jax about my discomfort. If he asks again, I will try to explain it to him; I still think it’s pretty great that he invited me to the service and we spent a really nice Sunday in the sunshine afterwards. But I don’t know if I’ll go back. In many ways, I still feel that my way of spending Easter – with lambs and birds and rambles – is just a better fit for me.


4 thoughts on “easter weekend

  1. terri

    It’s true. Those sorts of churches are all over including up here, and look more like movie theaters. That’s what they have felt they must do to get younger folks involved. I’m not comfortable with it either. And I’m not comfortable with the ‘frozen chosen’ social clubs that seem to be the alternative. I think just being able to go and enjoy from a light perspective can be valuable and entertaining. But what the pastor said…not true. Jesus and the historical lesson and prophet he was to people is for everybody all the time if you really believe in anything he said or stood for. I hate it when the religious ‘in crowd’ put restrictions on him, etc. It’s the old story. Separating the ‘us’ from the ‘others’ so that we can feel good about ‘us’ trick. Very feudal in its way. Some folks just enjoy the overall experience and that is fine too.

    1. sara0611 Post author

      Yeah, I agree. I felt bad about being a little flip about the service. There were testimonials from people being baptized during the service and it was clear that being a part of the church was really an important part of their life, and in some cases had been a huge support system when they needed it the most. I’m incapable of judging that, and incapable of judging where people find comfort. I know a lot of churches, as you said, feel that they need to stay up to date to keep young folks involved and there were a lot of them there. So I’m really not trying to be judgmental. It was just a different experience than I expected, but you know, different can be good. 🙂

  2. terri

    Folks are are on their own spiritual and physical journeys..everyone may need something different at different times or passages in their life. I’m not there anymore. I’ve felt the need of something much more direct in spirit than these sorts of Sunday ‘shows’, but in the words of the Dalai Lama, if it works for one, it’s wonderful. I don’t think you were that judgmental at all. These different paths of getting to basically the same place in life and death can be bizarre and strange when one is on a bit different path or expectation. At least there were no snakes. hahaha

  3. Loretta

    Just found your blog recently. I was so glad to read your post on Easter services. I agree with a lot of what you said. I think you started to sweat because some orthodox religion tries to make you feel guilty and I HATE feeling guilty for something that I’m not sure I should feel guilty for. sigh…


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