office interlude (seven)

The walls in our offices are notoriously thin and the acoustics are strange. If you are unlucky enough to sit near someone with above-average projection qualities, you are doomed.
Before the holidays, a new manager moved two doors down from me and I hear him as clearly as if he is sitting in my office. This is alternately distressing and amusing as he is, as described diplomatically by our COO, “a little rough around the edges”. This means his method of introducing himself is by bellowing “WHO ARE YOU” to unsuspecting visitors. This afternoon, I heard “TELL HER TO GO AWAY I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HER”. And he’s fond of demanding, “WHY DON’T YOU RING THAT BELL FOR ME.”
I don’t know what this means and I must not be the only one as it frequently lapses his audience into perplexed silence.
I was chatting with my colleague who sits in the office between myself and this new guy (because this is what happens when you work in an office – you IM your immediate neighbor when you want to have snarky private conversations about the people sitting around you – i.e. “can’t that person just BLOW THEIR NOSE” or “why won’t he please JUST SHUT UP”).
Colleague: i think in general he adds a lot to the office row
Me: i wish he would bring in more snacks
Me: but overall i agree
Colleague: i will bring it up to him
Colleague: but it may end up being jerky from a deer that he killed with his own bare hands
Colleague: that’s the risk we take
Me: maybe i’ll ask him if he wants to buy some girl scout cookies from l.
Me: but he might make her cry if he yells WHO ARE YOU when she delivers them
Colleague: in general you can’t trust non-packaged snacks that people bring in
Me: absolutely not.
Me: and don’t go over to X department.
Me: last year some guy brought in a whole fish
Colleague: What?!
Me: it was a lake trout that he caught and smoked
Me: he just brought it down and smacked it down on the snack table and left it there all day
Me: no knife, no crackers, no plates, nothing
Me: it still had an eyesocket.
Me: and one day the manager brought in bagels
Me: and perfectly fine clean plastic knives
Me: and some guy whipped his leatherman out of his pocket and used it to slice one in half
Me: it was all rusty and dirty
Me: and he PUT THE OTHER HALF BACK
Colleague: you’ve been here for too long.
Me: wait til i tell you about the ‘don’t shake hands with these people’ database on the secret drive.

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